"The pain of the mind is worse than the pain of the body." --- Publilius Syrus
It became painfully clear that the true war is in my head.
If I can stay out of my head, I am an powerful individual who can overcome any obstacle that stands in my way. I was able to get through the weekend with flying colors, no regrets, nothing but smiles and laughter. Amazing what coloring with a 1 year old will do for the psyche.
Then, the moment I turn inwardly, it all falls to pieces. In my head, there is no solace... ...there is no peace... ...nothing but a tempest of storms that brew and ravage the wasteland.
I can go there for one second and lose all control. Everything I could take proud of disappears rapidly. And it's not any one single thing that does it, just the trip inwardly and it's over.
Last night, I came in, sat down, started talking about the strides I had taken in the two weeks. I reported how you have all helped me through this. I raved about the encouragement I got from my close friends and the new ones I was making and the old ones that time and circumstances had brought back to me. I sang your praises like you wouldn't believe.
Then we hit a hot button topic, and it was gone. She even said I got a little paler sitting there trying to find the words to speak and the energy not to break down in that moment. I struggled for probably a good ten minutes to regain composure, but I did regain it.
I stumbled for awhile after that, but I was able to make it through.
As a coping technique, I have to wear a rubber band and snap it against my wrist when I started to feel I was retreating into my head or making any of you worry that I was. I tell you this to get your help in the matter, and not to randomly abuse my wrist in some utter enjoyment. Yeah, I'm a little self conscious about walking around wearing a rubber band bracelet at 32, but at this point, if this Pavlovian response system helps in any way, I would say it's a success through and through.
Each day, before I do my walk, I have to go through my 2 pages of affirmations I wrote (far exceeding the 3 I was assigned to come up with) and go over them in my head. My walk is my exploration, and the tone setter for the rest of the day. When I return, I have to focus on daily challenges to complete each day.
Each day, I'm to keep on task with the routine I have set.
Each day, I'm to go to bed thinking about how to conquer the next morning so I don't fall back into my head.
Each day, I'm not allowed to future trip, and deal with the controllable present.
Each day, I got to remember I can get through this, the good and the bad, and realize at the end I will be better for it.
I work towards the two month goal I set for myself, as there is no immediate cure nor will I accept one. I could wake up tomorrow with all my doubts erased, my fears conquered, and I could get everything I want...but I cannot accept that as I wouldn't be cured.
Ask me how I'm doing in two months, and I'll tell you if I'm there. Ask me tomorrow how I'm doing, and I'll just tell you how I feel that moment and how I'm striving to get to the next day. Ask me how I'm doing today, and I'll thank you for helping me.
So thank you for being there. Thank you for being there tomorrow. And thank you for helping me.
So, I went back to therapy for the first time in five years. I thought I'd be beating myself up over the decision, but it really was the easiest one I've really ever made.
I guess I should inform the rest of you, that I've been in kind of a nosedive since February, and it's really gotten out of hand since late June/early July. I honestly thought I could manage it, but it got out of hand quickly and I needed help.
Some of you have been incredible with the help, others have been supportive, and all of you really just want me back to the way I was instead of this sad shell that I had become. So, let me reassure any of you on the list, that I will be coming back stronger and happier than before. It will just take some time.
So, to those that have been helpful, I thank you. To those that have been supportive, I thank you. To those who are still waiting to see, I'll make you believe. And to all of you who do something to help me in the days and weeks to come, let me thank you now as well.
I'm pretty much in love with two things right now that aren't of flesh and blood and made by the Coca-Cola corporation. The new season of Battlestar Galactica(mostly because it's so good that I'm jealous I couldn't write it myself) and this article about Barry Goldwater in this week's New Times, Goldwater Uncut. I think this article gives me hope if I ever run for office that while I'll get smeared in attack ads, I'd definately be an interesting figure in politics if this guy defined it for Arizona for half a century.